Are you and your partner able to be direct with one another, communicating your desires and needs without anxiety, insecurity, or discomfort? Or do you find yourself holding back or using more passive ways of communicating your needs?

Because no one really enjoys conflict or discomfort, we sometimes skirt around issues, vaguely suggesting what we want without saying exactly what we mean. Some of us confuse being direct with being rude or demanding, so we’re reticent to speak up for fear of offending. Or there are those who fear rejection or put-downs from their partner if they speak up directly and share their thoughts and feelings.

If a topic is embarrassing or emotionally charged, we can hold back from the desire to avoid uncomfortable, awkward confrontations. And then there are the times we think our partner should read our minds and just intuit what we want without us having to tell them. We associate love with mind reading, which is a setup for resentment and unhappiness.

Some people have a more difficult time putting their feelings into words or articulating exactly what they want because they haven’t taken the time to self-reflect and understand their own needs and emotions.

Being evolved adults (and a healthy couple) calls for both partners to say what they feel, ask for what they need, and express themselves openly?with confidence and kindness. It also calls for both partners to respond to direct communication without defensiveness, blaming, criticism, or anger.

When you speak directly to your partner, your language is clear, straightforward, and unambiguous. There is no pretense or hidden message in direct communication; its purpose is quite simply to get or give information and open a dialogue with your partner. It involves the two-way, free-flowing sharing of thoughts, feelings, and ideas in a way that leads to solutions.

You would think this would be easy, and for some it is. But most of us have a hard time communicating directly in some areas of our relationship, so we resort to all sorts of verbal gymnastics in order to express ourselves. Or we bottle up our feelings until they overflow and spill out in unproductive ways 먹튀검증먹튀카페.

Let’s look at some of the ways you might not be communicating directly in your relationship and what you can do about it.

You hint, wish, and hope without saying what you mean .

Let’s say you’ve had an especially hard day, and you’re starting to come down with a cold. It’s your turn to prepare dinner, but you really don’t feel like it. So you say to your partner, “Boy, I feel like a truck hit me, but I guess I need to start fixing dinner.”

What you really mean is, “Honey, I am not feeling well. Would you please fix dinner tonight, and I’ll pick up the slack next week?”

With the first statement, you hint at the problem but never directly ask for a solution. Leaving vague clues about what you want is passive and doesn’t always result in your partner catching on to your meaning. Save yourself and your partner time and emotional energy by cutting to the chase in the first place and stating plainly what you need.

You might also find yourself hoping and wishing for something from your partner without articulating it. You hope he will see how much you need a hug.

You wish she would initiate sex more often. But from discomfort or the false belief your partner should be a mind reader, your feelings go unvoiced.

If you just wish and hope for what you want without saying it, the odds are slim that your needs will be considered. You have to take personal responsibility for stating what you need in a way that is thoughtful but clear to your partner.

You wonder, guess, and assume without asking.

Some of the worst conflicts in relationships are the result of speculating and then reacting to your own assumptions. You notice your spouse has gotten quiet, and you conclude he’s mad at you. You assume your partner doesn’t want to go to the movies with you, but you neglect to ask her. You wonder why your boyfriend doesn’t like holding hands in public, so you assume he’s losing interest in you.

When you speculate like this, you feel powerless and confused. You also set the stage for misunderstandings and arguments. Have you ever said something to your partner like, “You seemed mad at me, so I assumed you didn’t want to go out,” only to have your partner say, “What are you talking about? I never said I was mad. I really wanted to go out.”

We often create stories in our heads about what our partner is thinking or feeling, or what his or her intentions might be. Even with someone we know so well, we don’t always know what they mean or how they’ll respond.

If you want clarity and peace of mind, ask. Don’t just assume, guess, and wonder. Asking also shows that you respect your partner enough to confirm what’s on their mind and in their heart.

Try to use open-ended questions that invite full disclosure rather than yes or
no questions based on your guess or assumption. So rather than saying, “Are you mad at me for some reason?” you might say, “How are you feeling about our connection right now?” Instead of saying, “I guess you don’t want to go to the movies tonight,” you would say, “What do you feel like doing tonight?”

Another way of being indirect in your communication is stating what you don’t want rather than what you would like.

Framing a statement to your partner with the negative phrase, “I don’t want,” is putting him or her on the defensive before you finish uttering the sentence. It leads with negativity rather than clarity.

Think about the difference in these two sentences and how you’d react to them:

-“I don’t want your parents to come over on Sunday.”

-“I would like to spend Sunday taking a hike together and having brunch.”

The second statement invites a more positive response and gives more information to your partner. It also promotes the opportunity for a dialogue rather than throwing up a roadblock.

Being direct with your partner might feel uncomfortable in some situations. If you are someone who is more reticent to speak up, it can take some time to develop this habit.

But speaking up in a way that is confident, clear, and kind shows your partner that you respect yourself and that you value your relationship enough to say what you mean.

Holding back and being vague might feel safer in the short term, but it doesn’t serve the long-term goals of healthy communication and honesty in your relationship.

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