One of the best ways to prevent a conflict from turning into a full-blown fight is by initiating productive conflict from the outset. We often initiate a conversation with our partner, knowing that the topic has the potential to start an argument. Yet we forge on anyway, arming ourselves to convince or coerce our partner into accepting our “rightness” about the situation.

Generally, this tactic backfires. Rather than mindfully working out a problem as a team, we end up seething in our separate corners, assured that the other person is unreasonable and selfish.

Empathy, negotiation, and compromise are essential to solving your solvable problems with your partner. As much as we might feel we have the right answer and want things to go our own way, we must put the health and strength of the relationship ahead of our own individual needs.

Initiating a conflict or potentially acrimonious discussion with some productive communication skills makes it a whole lot easier to navigate conflict with a lot less pain.

Unfortunately, research suggests that most of us are conflict averse, biting our tongue or actively taking steps to avoid conflict even when we long for a specific outcome. When we do engage, we may give in too quickly or compromise, failing to meet our own needs or devise useful solutions.

Or if we dig in our heels, trying to persuade our spouse that our belief is the right one, we miss the chance to learn more and to problem solve 먹튀검증먹튀카페.

To improve communication as couples, we need to get better at initiating a productive conflict. What does that mean? It means understanding how to approach and resolve conflicts in ways that generate helpful solutions while protecting the relationship.

A productive conflict doesn’t mean just being “nicer” about fighting. Rather, it means, having an intentional and healthy process for working through differences. And this is where negotiation becomes so important.

Negotiating well means using a process for creating better solutions?one that meets each partner’s most important needs and preferences. There are specific negotiation habits that make up this process, and these habits will save you a lot of angst and frustration if you practice and learn them before the next conflict arises.

Remember, it’s the way we handle conflict that matters?and avoiding conflict is extremely costly in the long run because we get worse outcomes and fail to seize opportunities to deepen our mutual understanding and intimacy.

These strategies can help you and your partner create the best conditions for coming up with good solutions while protecting the harmony of your relationship.

How to Develop This Habit

Again, this is a habit you can’t practice until the next conflict situation arises. So you will need to be vigilant about remembering and practicing these steps when the situation calls for them.

That’s why we believe it’s valuable to set up a system for remembering the steps for a productive conflict and to write down that system so you commit to it.

One part of the system could be to post a reminder in a few places around your house so you remember to review and use the productive conflict skills we outline here. Of course, not all of your conflicts occur in your home, so putting a reminder on your phone that pops up every day can help you be prepared when a potential conflict arises.

If this is a habit you want to focus on for the next few weeks, put a rubber band on your wrist as a reminder to use these skills and agree to remind each other tactfully if necessary.

Before you begin the conversation, be sure to review the nine steps outlined here to keep you on track.

1. Choose the right time for a discussion.

We often decide to start up a serious conversation in the evening, when we’re tired. After a long day of work or dealing with the kids, this can be the worst time to discuss a touchy topic.

Instead, schedule a time to bring up a potentially difficult conversation when you are both rested and in a good frame of mind. Be sure it’s a time when you won’t be interrupted or distracted.

2. Start with constructive language.

If you begin with something like, “I’d like to discuss the way you manage our money,” it sounds like a criticism, as the problem appears to be with your partner.

Instead try something like, “I’d like to see if we can agree on some rules for our budget and money management.” This is a more constructive way of opening the conversation by naming a positive goal rather than implying a problem with your partner.

3. Create mutual ground rules.

There are things you or your partner can say or do that will immediately get the conversation off to a bad start.

For example, using the words “always” and “never” can make your partner bristle. Talking early in the morning before you’ve had your coffee might not work for you. Starting a conversation with, “You do this” rather than “I need this,” can put your partner on the defensive.

These are just some ideas, but you and your partner should come up with your own ground rules together.

4. Listen and validate first.

Remember that letting your partner feel heard and understood is a powerful way to help him or her feel safe and willing to be more generous and flexible in negotiation and compromise.

You don’t have to agree with your partner to acknowledge what he or she is saying and feeling. Listening mindfully and attentively, nodding, and making affirmative noises or remarks can be enough.

Also, summarizing what you are hearing without judgment and asking your partner if you got it right is a powerfully constructive strategy.

5. Brainstorm several options.

When discussing a difficult or controversial topic, you may tend to rush quickly to a possible solution only to argue about whether the idea is good or bad.

Before you propose a solution, engage in a short period of brainstorming, where you both present several solutions without criticizing one another.

Once you have many possibilities on the table, you may find that combining several of them is easily agreeable to both of you.

6. Seek outside support from others.

Often we stew for days or weeks about things that are bothering us, only to let loose with a flood of criticisms that make healthy communication with your partner impossible.

Once you feel resentments brewing, find a confidant you can talk to about what is bothering you before you blow up, and ask them to help you.

A trusted friend or family member can help you clarify and articulate what is really bothering you and what your goals are. They can help you brainstorm a constructive way to open the conversation as well as think of questions to ask and ways to talk about your fears.

As new research on relationships has shown, this kind of support is highly effective in helping us better process information and create solutions.

7. Reframe criticism as complaint.

As relationship expert John Gottman has discovered, there is an important difference between a complaint and criticism. Complaint points to a behavior as the problem, where criticism implies a quality or trait of your partner is the problem.

However, if your partner opens with a criticism like, “You are so sloppy and disorganized,” try not to wrangle about whether this is true. Instead, focus on specifics of the complaint and the behaviors your partner views as a problem.

Conversations that begin with criticism tend to degrade into defensiveness and counter-criticism; this makes reaching a solution all the more difficult.

Conversations that begin with a specific complaint, like, “I feel frustrated and overwhelmed when you forget to pick up your dirty clothes,” tend to lead to more concrete solutions.

8. Use the phrase, “Is there anything else?”

At the beginning of the conversation, invite your partner to completely “empty their pockets” related to their issues with you.

For example, if your partner says, “I want to talk about your parents visiting for the holidays,” instead of starting in with your thoughts, ask the question, “Is there anything else?”

There might be a deeper concern behind your partner’s comment, like perhaps she feels left out when your parents visit. Allowing the real issue to emerge at the beginning of a discussion can save a lot of time and emotional energy.

9. Learn and practice repair moves.

Repair moves are words or actions that can lessen the tension if things begin to get heated in your conversation. Four powerful repair moves include:

-Using lighthearted humor that you know will make your partner smile.

-Reminiscing about a past happy or fun time together.

-Apologizing for your part in creating a problem or causing your partner pain.

-Using loving touch and affection.

These moves help defuse the tension so you can move on constructively with the conversation.

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