The impact of our digital devices can be viewed as the 21st century relationship challenge, one that our parents and grandparents didn’t have to contend with in their marriages. They weren’t lured away from each other by this infinite vortex of virtual distraction. They certainly had other distractions, but none so insidious and harmful to real intimacy as our digital devices have become.

It all happened so fast. We didn’t have the time to set healthy boundaries for smartphone usage, and now we find them as the uninvited third wheel in our romantic relationships. Consider the couples you see in restaurants that, instead of talking or engaging have their heads down and thumbs flipping through apps or snapping pictures of their food to share on Instagram.

We compulsively carry our smartphones with us wherever we go?the office, the bathroom, the outdoors. Our phone is always in hand, as if it were some magical connection to a world that is far more exciting and real than the reality we are living 먹튀검증커뮤니티.

The Internet is even putting up a barrier between couples in the inner sanctum of the bedroom. It seems the once-sacred time in bed we spent talking, cuddling, and winding down together is now used for endless solo scrolling with our backs to each other.

Of course, smartphones are useful in many circumstances and make our lives easier. However, they infect our relationships in devious ways with an almost addictive attraction. One of the most unfortunate consequences of our tech-tethered lives is that we are no longer fully present with our partners.

We unconsciously replace real-life interactions with virtual experiences, until we find it nearly impossible to wholeheartedly devote our attention to the present moment. As a result, we lose many moments of engagement with our partners that are unique and never to be lived again.

Smartphones can also be the culprit of communication breakdown between couples. Intimacy is hard to achieve or maintain when your phone keeps beeping with alerts, notifications, and email reminders. A constant, merciless distraction, smartphones sabotage the deeply felt, long conversations that strengthen the bonds between you.

In fact, some people talk more about their relationships on social media than they do face to face with the person they’re actually in a relationship with! We become obsessed with how our lives look to others through the digital lens and forget how significant it is to live, invest, and relish the present moment with the person we love.

Excessive smartphone use puts a barrier between couples, making communication more impersonal and shallow. Bonding and intimacy pale in comparison to the lure of instant digital gratification, making it difficult for our relationship to grow and evolve over time.

Overuse of your digital devices also destabilizes your relationship.

In order to thrive, a relationship needs to be based on constant give and take, where we consider our partner and his or her needs at least as much as we think about ourselves. Smartphones upset this balance.

They can turn us into self-focused approval-seekers who are too concerned with how many “likes” and retweets we receive. We place too much emphasis on our digital lives and lose sight of the urgency and beauty of the everyday and the person we are most committed to.

Our digital attachments are also a source of relational conflict. You may already get anxious when you can’t find your phone or your battery runs low. Maybe you feel irritated when your spouse interrupts your game of Words with Friends or suggests you turn your phone off at the dinner table.

The endless access to streaming information and the constant Pavlovian dings and buzzes from our phones keep us on high alert and always “on.” This information overload leaves us exhausted and mentally spent, which further separates us from our partners.

Have you and your partner had conflicts related to the amount of time one or the other spends on digital devices? Has one of you felt like the other is checked out or constantly distracted? As if we don’t have enough to contend with in modern life, these digital devices have created unnecessary reasons for arguments, stress, and detachment.

Dropping our bad habits with our devices requires a big mental shift. We shouldn’t feel stressed and anxious when we’re in phone-free zones. We should be relieved?relieved that we can cherish the special moments happening each day and spend more real time with our partners in the now, which will never be repeated.

Although it’s impossible in this day and age to completely give up your digital devices, you need to recognize the profound negative impact they are having on your ability to engage with your partner. How much time are you giving away to virtual reality, only to look up from your phone one day and realize you are living with a stranger?

Don’t allow a device of convenience to conveniently erode your intimacy. Make a proactive decision about what role your devices will play in your relationship going forward, and agree to set boundaries around how much time you will give to these devices when you are together.

How to Develop This Habit

Most of us don’t really have a handle on how much time we spend attached to our smartphones or other digital devices. They have become such an integral part of our lives that we rarely leave home (or the room) without them. You may not be aware of how significantly your tech dependency is impacting the quality and intimacy of your relationship.

The best way to know whether or not this is a habit you need to work on is by honestly assessing your current digital device habits. Answer the following questions to help you get a better idea.

How many hours a day do you spend on your smartphone, tablet, or computer for non-work-related activities?

___Less than an hour

___One to three hours

___Three to five hours

___More than five hours

When you are using your digital devices, how much of that time happens when you are with your spouse or partner?

___None of it

___A little of it

___Much of it

___Most of it

Do you frequently wish your partner would put down his or her phone or shut down other devices and engage with you instead?

Do you or your partner spend more than an hour a day on social media (unrelated to work)?

How do you think your time (and your partner’s time) spent on your digital devices has impacted your communication and connection as a couple? Make notes about this, citing specific examples if possible.

Define digital device boundaries in your relationship.

Now that you have a better idea about the amount of time you spend on your devices and how it’s impacting your relationship, sit

down together to discuss your boundaries around the use of these devices going forward. Consider which of the following boundaries you want to implement:

-No devices allowed while dining together (at home or out).

-No devices allowed when you are in bed together.

-No devices allowed in the bedroom altogether.

-No devices allowed when you are having a serious discussion or resolving conflict.

-No devices allowed when you first wake up for at least 30 minutes.

-No devices allowed when you first see each other at the end of the workday for at least 30 minutes.

-No devices allowed when you go on fun outings together.

-No devices or limited device usage when you are on vacation.

-No devices allowed when you have family meetings.

-No devices allowed when you are entertaining at home.

-No using devices when one partner is trying to talk to the other.

-No devices on special holidays or occasions (i.e., Christmas Day, Sundays, etc.).

Add additional rules and boundaries you’d like to make around using digital devices if you don’t see them in this list.

Replace your bad habits with positive ones.

Dropping your habits around your digital devices will be difficult. These devices reinforce your addiction to them by providing a constant source of gratification and connection with the outside world. Because they are so ubiquitous in our culture, you feel “lesser than” and out of touch if you aren’t plugged in. You will need to be diligent and committed to your efforts if you want to cut back.

Part of successfully dropping a bad habit is replacing it with a new positive behavior. The goal here is to use this time more mindfully with your partner. As you review each of the new boundaries you have established around your devices, you’ll need to be very specific about what you will and won’t do with your devices and what you will do instead of engaging with them.

The easiest way to prevent yourself from using your devices is by turning them off and putting them out of sight. For example, leave them at home when you go out to dinner, or put them in another room before bed.

However, we often feel it’s necessary to have our phones available “in case of emergency.”

If you have children who may need to reach you, or if you use your phone for business, it may be unwise to check out completely. You’ll need to figure out how often you can check your phone and whether you can silence it for each situation. For these brief

check-ins, don’t allow yourself to get pulled in by news reports, social media alerts, or texts.

Start small.

We suggest you begin by working on just one of the boundaries you’ve set around your devices?maybe one that occurs every day, like no phones in bed. This habit is relatively easy because your phone will be off at a time when you generally aren’t needed by other people.

Use the moment you get into bed as a trigger to turn your phones on silent and put them away. Decide how you want to spend your time in bed before sleep, hopefully by cuddling and talking with each other, sharing the events of your day, and asking each other questions. Create new rituals around bedtime that don’t involve any devices.

If you read on your phone before bed, you may want to switch to a print book while you are “detoxing” from having your phone in the bed with you so you aren’t tempted to scroll around.

Add new digital restrictions and replacement behaviors.

Once you feel you have successfully committed to the first habit change, work on another one. Try something a bit harder, like putting away your devices for 30 minutes to an hour at the end of the workday or in the evening so you can do something together as a couple.

Have a specific plan for how you want to spend this time together that allows you to reconnect, be playful, and enjoy interacting.

Don’t use television or other distractions as a substitute for your digital time. Focus this time on each other.

You could:

-take walks

-go biking together

-cook dinner together

-sit outside and talk

-make love

-listen to music

-give each other massages

-plan a vacation (but without your devices)