Barrie once knew a couple that would allow arguments to drag on for days and days. The initial verbal battle might last just a few hours, but the aftereffects had a very long shelf life.

The couple wouldn’t continue actively squabbling, but they would just stop speaking to one another unless absolutely necessary. They would move around each other in the house, sit silently at dinner, and go to bed without talking or resolving anything. For days this would go on!

As they stewed in their resentments, it became increasingly difficult to talk about their feelings, reach a resolution, and heal the wounds inflicted from the initial argument. Eventually, they would grow tired of not talking and would move on as though nothing had happened.

Imagine the negative impact those long periods of hurtful seething had on their relationship. Imagine how their unwillingness to repair the conflict quickly with apologies, forgiveness, and love must have chipped away at their closeness and trust.

As mentioned earlier, Dr. Gottman has found it takes five positive encounters between couples to counteract the impact of one negative encounter. When you allow an argument to simmer for days, without resolving the problem and reconnecting as a couple, you’re compounding the conflict with multiple hurtful interactions.

Every cold stare, every moment of deafening silence, every missed attempt at reconciliation further entrenches the couple in a cycle of pain and divisiveness.

Not only does the couple have to engage in several positive interactions to make up for the original conflict, but now they’ve set themselves up for weeks of disconnection before they accumulate enough neutralizing, positive interactions to put them on sound footing again.

Of course, neither partner is motivated to initiate positive encounters when they are dealing with a backlog of resentment and pain. A small molehill of an argument has now grown into a big mountain of negativity, making it much more difficult to offer apologies, forgiveness, or compromise?much less to attempt positive, healing interactions.

The best thing you can do for the future health of your relationship is to address any initial conflicts, and the resulting emotional fallout, as quickly as possible. However, when both of you are angry, hurt, and confused during an argument, it’s impossible in the moment to reconcile and reconnect.

It takes time and reflection to calm down and initiate a measured respectful resolution to patch up any hurt feelings. But it shouldn’t take days. As tempting as it is to remain indignant, as justified as you might feel in your anger, as much as you believe it’s your partner’s turn to apologize first?don’t allow these feelings to silence the better angels of your nature.

As soon as your anger has subsided, and your judgment has returned, reach out to your partner and initiate resolution and reconnection. Don’t allow stubbornness or pettiness to prevent you from healing the rift as soon as possible. Even if you feel your partner is at fault and hasn’t stepped up to apologize, you can still initiate repair to protect the intimacy, trust, and love you share together.

How to Develop This Habit

Healing hurts quickly is another variable habit that can be practiced only when you and your partner have an actual argument or disagreement 먹튀검증먹튀카페.

You probably don’t want to initiate conflict at the same time every day just so you can practice the habit of resolving the conflict quickly! That would certainly do more harm than good for your relationship.

But you can prepare in advance for the inevitable conflicts that arise down the road. This will help you know what to do to ensure you don’t suffer longer than necessary.

Develop a time-out signal.

When a discussion devolves into a full-blown fight, you and your partner need a time-out from the escalating conflict in order to calm down and prevent further damage. The longer you interact while you are angry or hurt, the greater the chance you will drive a deeper wedge between you.

The moment you realize the conversation is going south, you need to initiate a break so you can come back together in a better frame of mind. The anger, irritation, or hurt feelings will need to be your triggers for initiating the time-out.

Talk with your partner about a signal or word you can use to indicate you both need a time-out. In the heat of the moment, you and your partner will want to continue defending your positions, so commit to one another now that you will honor this signal when one of you offers it during conflict.

Write down what the signal is, and consider posting a reminder in the rooms where you tend to have serious discussions or conflicts.

Separate and breathe.

During your time-out, go to separate rooms for fifteen to twenty minutes. Your first order of business is to simply calm down and regain emotional equilibrium.

Rather than stewing over the disagreement or preparing your defense, your job now is to simply breathe and relax. Sit down, close your eyes, and practice meditative breathing.

Breathe in slowly through your nose, and count on the out-breath, going from one to ten with each out-breath. Repeat this ten-count breathing exercise until you feel yourself getting calm and your anger dissipating.

If you find that fifteen to twenty minutes isn’t enough time to manage your emotions, then wait a bit longer. Just don’t let days go by before you get back together to work through the problem.

Reflect on your position and your partner’s position.

Once you are calm and more centered, grab a pen and paper and write down all of your thoughts about your position related to the conflict and the corresponding feelings you experience. Write down everything you want your partner to understand about your side of the situation.

Once you have finished writing out your feelings and position, put yourself in your partner’s shoes and write down what you believe his or her perspective is about the situation and how he or she might be feeling. Make a sincere effort to see the situation from your partner’s point of view.

The last part of this exercise will allow you to be more empathetic to your partner and soften your heart so you can reconnect with kindness and compassion.

Initiate reconnection and resolution.

When you are both calm and have finished the reflection exercise, come back together to revisit the problem or conflict.

Begin by offering affection and words of love and affirmation. Give each other a hug. Hold hands. Say, “I love you,” to one another. Do this even if you have some lingering resentment or frustration, as it will reinforce the positive and loving atmosphere you want for this conversation.

Take turns sharing your partner’s perspective.

Begin the discussion by sharing what you believe your partner’s feelings and position on the situation might be. Take turns doing this before either one of you responds.

Kicking off the conversation with empathy and understanding will make it easier to reach a compromise or resolution.

Present your own point of view and feelings.

Once you both have offered your thoughts on the other’s perspective, you can each affirm or clarify your own thoughts and feelings and ask for what you need to help settle the issue.

You may need a behavior change from your partner, a compromise on a decision, or simple acknowledgment of your feelings. Try to be specific and direct (in a kind way) about what your goals are.

Be sure to use “I need” or “I feel” statements rather than blaming or shaming your partner. You will learn more about this in Habit #17.

Discuss and confirm a resolution.

Once you both have shared your points of view, your feelings, and what you hope to achieve, discuss any actions that you can agree on going forward.

Offer any behavior changes or compromises in the spirit of generosity and love rather than resentment or apathy.

After sharing and discussing the situation calmly, if you can’t reach a resolution or one of you can’t offer what the other needs, try not to get angry or frustrated. Sit on it for a few days to see if anything changes or if one of you has any new insights.

If not, consider talking with a therapist or other professional to help you reach a resolution.