Listen, I get it, bacon is tasty as fuck. It’s good on its own, it’s good in conjunction with other foods, it’s just good, and it always has been. Unfortunately, though, at some point over the past five years or so, bacon became something else. It became the Chuck Norris of food.
You remember that shit, right? Chuck Norris facts? They were super cute for about a month like eight years ago . and then immediately transformed into the most grating online trend imaginable. The worst part about it was that Chuck Norris didn’t ask for any of it. He was just minding his business when, out of the blue, the Internet decided that he, of all the action stars in the universe, was the most meme worthy.
It’s not a whole lot different from what’s happened to bacon recently. For untold numbers of years, bacon existed as a delicious breakfast meat and nothing more. Then, seemingly overnight, it became the only thing that mattered (and other overused Internet sayings). No longer was enjoying bacon in relative silence and anonymity acceptable.
Don’t get me wrong, nothing you motherfuckers do will ever make me stop enjoying the delicious taste of bacon, but we’re well past the point where anyone should be bragging about their bacon intake like it makes them some sort of special category of person. No, you’re either a vegetarian or you eat bacon, there isn’t a whole lot else to it.
Damn if bacon worship is something that’s going to die without a fight, though. Rather, it seems like every new day brings another clueless dipshit who discovers that bacon is a “thing” now and decides to shoehorn it into their daily operation. Case in point, this Subway commercial, which I’d love to see die in 10 kinds of fires if that was a thing that could happen to television advertising.
If you’re short on the necessary time and/or Internet firewall freedom required to watch that crime against sustenance, too bad, you’re seeing it anyway. Basically, it’s just two women going back and forth making outrageous claims about how their love for bacon is the baconiest bacony bacon of all bacon. One woman has bacon eyebrows .
If ever a case could be made for making people pass a brief history test before we allow them to buy a T shirt, “Keep Calm and Carry On” will be your strongest argument by a wide margin. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if the majority of the people who fawn over this phrase think it was invented by the Chive.
If you’re unfamiliar, the phrase was coined in 1939 as part of a campaign by the British government to make their citizens feel a little less uneasy about the prospect of the Nazi war machine raining hellfire upon their city at literally any moment. It didn’t work, cheap Brown jerseys of course, because the posters bearing the slogan were never actually distributed. Millions were printed, but the campaign was nixed before they could be used.
He hung the poster in his shop and, after several people expressed interest, decided to print up more and sell them. This was a decision he kept from his wife, who felt that the posters represented a moment in British history that shouldn’t be exploited for profit. She was right, obviously, to the point that a nasty legal dispute has broken out over which shady vulture actually owns the “rights” to the saying.
Meanwhile, a full on industry has formed around it. Give it a quick Googling and you’ll be presented with countless websites bearing some version of the phrase, available for purchase on T shirts, coffee mugs, thongs, and whatever other media CafePress will print words on.
It’s rarely just “Keep Calm and Carry On” anymore, though. It’s “Keep Calm and Call Batman” or “Keep Calm and Eat Bacon” or whatever other trivial bullshit people can think to disrespectfully equate to the tragic events of World War II.
Look, either quit shitting all over British history, or don’t say a damn word 20 years from now when kids are ironically wearing “If You See Something, Say Something” T shirts like 9/11 was the coolest thing ever. Your “Keep Calm and Listen to Black Sabbath” doormat will have excluded you from being able to complain about that years before you ever have a chance to.
You are not a fan of Batman. Wholesale Aaron Rodgers Jerseys Very few people truly are. Understand, that’s not a knock against Batman. It’s a knock against you for being angry at me for having the audacity to question your love of Batman when you’ve “seen, like, all of the movies.” OK, well, so have I, but that’s just because I’m a fan of movies. That doesn’t make me some kind of Batman historian by wholesale jerseys any stretch of the imagination, though.
For the most part, when the average person says, “I love Batman,” what they really mean is, “I love the way Batman looks on a shirt.”This one, probably.
